Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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