You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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