Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
