I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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