I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
