My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
do herpes really smell.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
