I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
