you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
