i jhust puked up my retainher.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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