like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
