Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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