I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
