What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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