I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
