I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
