I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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