Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Randomize
