apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Randomize
