Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
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