He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
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