just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
