New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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