Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
