Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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