So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
