you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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