She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
