well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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