Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
