in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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