I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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