Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
