We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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