Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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