how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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