my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
zippers are such a cool invention
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
