who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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