woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
