i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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