my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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