life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I just want nice things and good sex
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
