My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Are we still banned from the library?
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
