I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
