neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize