My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
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