His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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