I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
