I can text with my tongue
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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