Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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