Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
