Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
