Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
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