Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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