allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
