Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize