Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(619): View more from California

dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face

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(816): View more from Missouri

Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina

Fav 93 28824 1493
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(224): View more from Illinois

I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.

Fav 22 6412 1034
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(937): View more from Ohio

you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.

Fav 40 6198 1183
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(514): View more from Quebec

Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.

Fav 19 1148 4796
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(207): View more from Maine

Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.

Fav 30 6382 2014
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(281): View more from Texas

that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.

Fav 18 2172 1183
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(248): View more from Michigan

"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."

Fav 3 418 561
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(319): View more from Iowa

I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.

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