omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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