My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
