Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
my being single is dangerous.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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